.....

children laugh as many sing.
people discuss as children scream.
but I, no not I, could ever handle these things.

toys are on the floor while people just ignore,
all the incredibly intricate entertainment that they are there for.
but I, no not I, could ever handle these things.

these things that I speak of are not for my life,
for although it may be nice I am quite the opposite.
yes I, indeed I, am quite different and only wish to be the way which I speak of.

for children laugh as many sing.
people discuss as children scream.
and I just sit and ignore as best as I can.

indeed toys are on the floor while people just ignore,
all the incredibly intricate entertainment that they are there for.
and I, yes indeed I, just sit and ignore it all and do nothing about it.

utter failure. the loss of destination. nothing in sight, and no one to be heard.

it is a blank slate with no directions written on it to help you at all. . .

. . .it is a blank slate with no directions written on it to help me.

but with no directions I shall move forward,
even if there are to be trials in the moving.
for I, yes indeed I, shall not ignore my failures,
but make better of them and turn them around into a way for me to move forward.

to move, and not stand still.
to make something from nothing.
to sing while feeling melancholy in heart.
to help when I am not motivated.
to make everything worth while.
to love and not hate. . . .

. . .to handle the situation, and not ignore.

yes I, indeed I, shall conquer this.

I shall.

temptations.

I sit in the kitchen. Jeff Buckley in the back round accompanying my many thoughts.
A younger brother comes in with the mail, and I happen upon reception cards that were sent back for my sister's wedding. So soon, that event is coming. . .and soon, would I like this pounding headache to go away.

But piles of folded laundry wait for me to put them away. My Grandpa and Grandma's apartment bed wants to be made by me so that it looks ready for someones arrival. So many things call on me so that I might be able to do it, but I still just sit here drinking my coffee that calms me. I continue to type certain computer keys to make words that you can read. . .

And yet I feel as if I might fail at both typing and with the many things that need to be done. For Jeff Buckley's falsetto is pulling me into a deep sleep that tempts me very much. The thought of sleeping and relaxing is such a wonderful thought to me at this very moment. So much that other things don't even seem like something that needs to be done. But sleep is something that I need to get done, so I may be ready for the days ahead of me. . .

"No," I say in response to this wonderful thought that came into my head. For although it is a wonderful thought and it tempts me so, it can not be. So many things need to be done, and some need to be done by a certain time. . .so no is all I can say. . .

But my mind is utterly confused with this strange and odd decision I have made.


"What?. . .why?. . ."

And all I can say is. . .

"I don't know. . . ."

one year.

one year ago my precious little niece was born. and almost exactly a year ago I wrote this:



another niece. a cute little girl.
little, tiny, and adorable.
although i have not seen her eye to eye,
i can see her and say "my, my, my."
aubrey you have a special spot in me.
and forever it shall always be.

at the moment. . .

I would gladly post if only I had pictures to post instead of having to think of words to write that make sense and that might be of interest to you. but sadly enough I have no pictures from the events from today to show you, so I have to be kind and write something. then again, I really don't have to be kind but I am deciding that I should at least be a little nice to you. . .I hope that you are glad with my decision. . .?

at the moment:

-- I am quite tired and really just want to be able to sleep in at least a little bit, for even by 6:00 in the evening I am ready for bed, exhausted but not wanting to break down crying at the stupidest thing on earth only because I am tired. so really I should at least become a little more wise and go to bed earlier than I have been lately. . .

-- I am a bit chilly, and truthfully a mug of hot chocolate sounds rather delicious at the moment. and when I think about hot chocolate for some reason I go on thinking about a warm, cozy home that is in England during the winter season, and it sounds rather delightful to me. sitting by the fire maybe talking, and maybe listening to some Frank Sinatra. oh, how wonderful it sounds. maybe I shall actually do it some day, and then I would feel even more wonderful than I do now at the thought of it. . .

-- I am thinking about what my family is doing at home. and truthfully, I don't actually know what they are doing. so I guess I am actually thinking about what my family could be doing. and now my mind is going blank. what are they doing? I don't know, and I don't want to know either. because then I will want to be there doing what they are doing but it isn't quite possible because I am a little far away from them which really does make it difficult to do the thing that they are doing. . .

-- I am thinking about the day that has just passed. the 13th of August that is in the year of 2008. the day that is my birthday, the one where I have turned 13. I am thinking about it, and I can't really remember everything that we have done. it might take some time before I remember everything. so I think I shall stop thinking about it since I really have no purpose thinking about it. whatever. . .

-- I have decided that I am going to bed, for I am very tired and only wanting sleep to drift me away to a far away place, and maybe that far away place is home. my home. the home that I have always lived in. my home that has brought so many memories both happy and sad. my home that when I look at it it makes me quite happy inside. it's a wonderful feeling. I love it quite a lot. I am looking forward to it when I arrive home on Sunday the 17th of August. and now I am talking my head off. . .oh dear. what shall I do with myself I shall never know. but one thing I know is that I am going to go sleep for as long as I can, which isn't very long, but that is only a minor detail, correct? but anyways. . .goodnight everyone.

pictures.

these are from a New York City trip that we did in May of this year. . .

picture.

this is a picture of our baby doll while at the Bronx Zoo. . .



 

pictures

chubby hands playing a piano. . .



one of the prettiest people I know. . .



I "spied" on my sister and took pictures of her. . .



I took some pictures of her on the beach. what could be a better scenery for that?



one of the many pictures I took while at Beaver Camp. there were so many things that caught my eye. . .and this is one of them.

self portrait

Merrick and I. . .

this is one of my favorite self portraits. . .