my revealed thought.

2011-11-19T17:02:00.000-08:00

I cried as I read.

I was struck with joy and happiness.

He is coming. Heaven is coming.

I had forgotten how beautiful it will be when He comes again; when His glory comes upon us.

Why was I reading Revelation? Matt Redman references it many times in his book Facedown. After finishing one of the chapters of Facedown I pulled my Bible out and turned to Revelation, starting in chapter seven (where he referenced at one point) and continuing through the whole book.

I had intended to read just that one chapter, but I couldn't stop.

My soul was hungry and in need once again to hear that He is indeed coming.

And once again I was told...
He is coming.

Is there anything better?

2011-11-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

[Location: Williamsburg, Virginia]

(Warning: This won't be much of a post. My bones are so tired and frankly, that's the only excuse I have. Sorry 'bout it.)

The guest bedroom I'm staying in for the first few nights is perfect. Want to know the first thing I noticed when I walked in?... The little desk/shelving unit on the wall near the king sized bed (note: king sized bed and I still saw the desk first).
When we arrived I quickly pulled my computer out and set it on the desk along with my journal, a book, my iPod, and of course, my chapstick (you can't forget that!).
There -- even though I'm just a guest for a few nights, the desk looks ready for me to come and sit. I love it.

I turn the little yellow lamp on and take a seat. It's perfect. I've got time, silence, and stillness.
Time to write, silence to think, and stillness to breathe... It's a real vacation, and it's just what I need.

My silly face (because I always make one):

My journal that needs to be filled:

The book I'm reading:

Loving my turtle necks and the time to rest my eyes:

2011-10-08T16:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at our kitchen table. There's only one light on, which is faded down to a lower level of light -- I'm not one for having every single light on -- and there are candles softly glowing from the center of the table... They're reflecting orange everywhere.

I made strong coffee. People say it's in the morning that you need the strong coffee so you can get your day rolling, but I like it in the evening as well. It somehow helps me remember that "*phew*, someday I'll be in heaven" because most days end with me thinking "I can't take much more of living on earth -- I just want heaven".

I'll confess, I'm bad about my desserts. I have a major sweet tooth. I love my sweets. Tonight is once again simple though... ice cream -- but let me tell ya, it's a delicious combo with the coffee.

I'm listening to Diana Krall's Live In Paris album. I absolutely love listening to it. Besides thinking about how amazing she is, it also makes me think about how I much prefer listening to someone perform than performing myself. I'm the person in the audience grinning ear to ear because I'm so happy just to be listening and watching someone perform. Weird? Maybe. But I guess it means I'll be a good soccer mom?... c'mon, where's my Swagger Wagon, yo?

2011-09-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's the little children in your life that are your best friends.

They give you the best smiles, hugs, smirks, and laughter that you've ever seen, felt, or heard.

They're precious. I love them to pieces. And sometimes, they're the best medicine you could ever receive.

(listening to--)

2011-08-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm a planner.

I like to know what's happening -- what, where, when, why, who.

I'm the person that plans times to relax.

It doesn't work.

If I could, I would have my whole life planned. Every year, month, and day. Ridiculous? Perhaps. But I'm not the only person in the world who's like this.

There are even movies about people who are planners. In the movies this "plan-happy" person tries to live life by their own schedule, but it doesn't work.

It's when they figure out how to live life not by a constant calendar in their head, enjoying life moment by moment that they find "happiness" -- whatever that is.

But that's how Hollywood likes to end their stories... When everyone is happy and finally "normal".

I know people who can just, do something that wasn't a part of their original plans, and I seriously don't understand those people.

I can't just jump off of a train trestle because "Oh! That sounds fun, scary, and exciting -- let's go!"

And if I'm spending the night somewhere I like to know in advance so that I can be ready. I'm definitely not the type that can go somewhere and then decide to stay the night. I need my pajamas, my own toothbrush, and my familiar sweatshirt.

I like having things set in stone, and I like having a backup plan.

I'm not that "The moment's here so let's run!" type of person. I like planning my "moments". But yesterday -- I think it hit me. I will never be able to plan everything... after realizing that, I went into shock mode.

"Wait. I don't have control over everything? I can't plan every little detail?"

All of the sudden, my boat was rocked. And that was when I decided...

I really don't like having my boat rocked.

One thing I'm definitely planning on: going to Heaven

*insert: sigh of relief

I have that one "written down" in my mental calendar for Every.Single.Day. What can I say -- It's a big plan.

(At least that one's taken care of.)

2011-08-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

"For the times they are a-changin'." -- Bob Dylan

It's true. Times are changing. Everything is changing.
As people grow older, new life is being brought into this world.

Any day now my eldest sister will give birth to another life. Another person that will change our lives.

Tomorrow my age changes. I'm getting older. And to be honest, even I'm wondering where the time has gone. For some reason I anticipated staying young forever and always telling everyone that I meet that "I know. I look a lot older than I am." But soon my appearance will start matching my age. . .That's weird.

2011-07-30T20:59:00.001-07:00

Randomly I will use Google for no specific use. But only to find something new - most of the time "it" being a new photograph that somehow grabs my attention.
A picture that can have just one word, just one person, or just one object. But something about it caught my eye.

I searched "happiness".
I found this photo.
It's simple, and I like it.

Do you know what makes me happy?

...Being able to sing the same two or three worship songs almost every day to Jesus over and over, and not getting tired of it because I'm singing to Him, and that will never be boring.

Most people grow tired of hearing the same songs repeatedly, but He's different. And thank goodness for that.
I'm okay with pouring my heart out through the same songs to Him every day, and He's okay with hearing the same ones every day. This, makes me very happy.

...My nephews and nieces. I love them to pieces and the sight of them makes me happy. I cannot count the times that while I am taking care of them and they are asleep in their beds I have stood over and watched them, and sometimes have teared up because the love I have for them is completely overwhelming. They are so precious, and so dear to me.

...Silence and the peace it brings. Need I say more?

...Knowing that one day, I will be in Heaven. *sigh* Someday. Someday I will be in Heaven, and I will be with Jesus. The End.

2011-07-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever missed someone so much that your throat starts to close up, your stomach feels sick, and tears start to form in your eyes? I have. This morning in fact.

I got out of the shower and was still in my towel when I checked Facebook. I saw a sister tagged in some photos so of course I looked through them.

You see -- this sister is far away in a different state, in a different city, and in a group of different friends. She's out there playing music, writing music, and meeting new people. And this morning, when I saw her in pictures with people that I don't know, I got sad. Real sad.

My throat started to close. I felt sick. And those tears started coming.
I miss her. Who wouldn't?

2011-06-26T11:13:00.000-07:00

money.

a material object.

something that we all have in common, no matter how depleted our amount may be.

When I think of money, I think of people and the many different hands that hold on so tightly to their money. They hold on tightly to a material thing that won't pay their way to eternity.

No. It doesn't matter how much you have. There is no need to be wealthy. It isn't the key to heaven. It is, unfortunately, sometimes a key to a persons heart.

When I think of money....

...I think of being free from debt.

No longer being tied down and having that feeling of relief.

Do you know how many people are in debt for their whole entire lives?

Too many.

It becomes a constant cloud in their life and a weight in their heart.

My debt is paid. It's paid by Him.

My guilt, my shame, and my debt is all paid.

I am free.

...I think of fathers and husbands that have no money to help their wives and children live, and the shame they must feel from having a duty that they cannot fulfill.

There is another way to live. Another way without money.

It's through Him.

He removes that shame.

But so many don't know that and they continue living while calling themselves failures.

...I think of children that maybe have never seen money before in their lives.

They live in dirt.

They pray for a better life.

And they cry because they are so alone.

Money? They have none.

You could have the smallest amount of money and they would still think you're wealthy.

Money links us all together in some way and sadly, it is the common "language" in this world.

Something I want?

That one day every person would be linked together through Christ. That He would be the thing that we all have in common, and that every person in this world would hunger and thirst for Him who has already paid our debt.

2011-06-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

I am not one to pour my whole life out. I feel no need to throw a little box of words filled with sunshine or perhaps thunder, depending on where my heart is, into someones small life. I figure that they've already got enough rain pouring on them and have no need for more, or that their life is bursting from all the excitement happening in their own souls that they have no more room for more joy and butterflies to be thrown in. But that's okay.

People need to talk. Most at any rate. It's their way of relieving stress and sharing happiness.
They talk over a cup of coffee, during a dinner, and most of their day is spent talking on a phone.

Some might even talk to walls -- they just need to get it out.

Sometimes the words they speak are calm. Just a friendly chat. Nothing hectic in their voice or emotions. It's a smooth serenade. Something you don't hear in the business world where it's always "argue, fight, and win".

And then there are other times.
The emotions are strong. The words might be bitter. Not bitter towards you, but you just happen to be the best friend that hears all of the ranting.
Tired of it Best Friend? Don't be. You better buck up, because you've got a lot of steaming kettles coming your way in the future.

How do I know? It's just plain nature.
We're humans. We have emotions. We need to cry and sometimes just yell.
No funny faces or comments, Best Friend, because you do it too.

Me? I don't speak a lot. I don't come home from an event excited to tell everyone about what happened, or distressed and needing to spill everything out on a bed with a friend. Perhaps every once and a while I have done such a thing. But to tell you the truth, I don't have any memory of myself doing a thing like that. That's where living with many people comes in handy though. If you can't remember what happened, chances are that they probably do.

Reading the above paragraph probably makes you think that I have no emotions. And if so, let me say that you've been tricked.
I have emotions. Lots of them. Every minute and every hour is different.
"But if you don't talk a lot then how can you get your emotions out?" you're asking?
That's an easy answer...

Tears.

Many many tears I've cried. I'm sensitive, and everything that I feel ends in tears.
Joy, anger, fear, confusion, and every other emotion and feeling makes me cry.
Another thing besides crying that comes out of me is laughter.
Sometimes I laugh for a long time, and then it turns into this weeping-but-still-laughing thing. The first time that happened someone asked me if I was okay. My answer?
"I don't know. I just -- I don't know!"
I really didn't know. And I still don't know.
That same person who asked me if I was okay, later told me something God told her. I can't remember if it was through a dream or maybe just some alone time with Him, but He said to her that she would learn to cry from my crying...or something like that. I can't remember word for word, and when she told me I had no intention of writing it down because I thought she was making a weird joke of some sort.
She wasn't joking.

Through the years I've learned how to be a good listener. That's what my role is right now. It's what I became because I am quiet and the sister closest to me in age does her share of talking and needs someone to listen. So I listen happily.
It's a role that some have a hard time fulfilling. So I am thankful that my duty in being a good sister that listens is not something that is difficult to fulfill.

So I listen, and I do speak. . .

I speak through tears and laughter.

Hold me.

2010-06-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

Hold me, rock me, sing to me.
Stare me down, like a bird to its sea.
Stillness and quiet, what a brave loud sound.
Surrounds my soul, it seems I've been found.
The harshness of the cold, has been too long.
And the notes it creates, can never be my song.
Where has the sun gone, is it lost forever?
Did my soul become, too much to endeavor?
I thought my life, was smaller than the sun.
Can it not hold me, and say "well done"?
So hold me, rock me, sing to me.
Stare me down, like a bird to its sea.

It doesn't matter.

2010-06-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

Our eyes had met for just one second,
But then they tore me away.
All was happy for that one short moment,
But then despair and hopelessness wore me down.
"A tout a l'heure" you said to me, as they blinded my last gaze.

From that point I only had dreams,
To dream of you and the things we could be.
But as I sat in that dark cold room,
Everything felt dead and I knew you would forget the love we had.
"Il n'a pas d'importance" was all I could whisper.
So I whispered it and continued to dream of different things.

Differences.

2010-05-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm dark, You're light.
You're the day, and I'm the night.
You give love to the whole entire world,
But I give love to those I choose.

You show mercy every single day,
While I keep my heart bitter towards the words they say.
I close my eyes so I cannot see the world,
But Yours are wide open keeping watch on Your flock.

I shudder and tremble as the world hurts my heart,
But You cover my life and stand so strong.
I am weak, and my life seemed so bleak.
You're here now, the color in my life, that will not leave.

The Girl.

2010-04-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

I lay on the floor, sprawled out, desperate.
I cry, leaving the floor with puddles of distress.
I see nothing, nothing but the stars and moon.

O moon you see me too well,
How you show my every breath.
The stars see my heart,
Pouring out to darkness.

The arms that hold me are but my own.
The sound in my ear is just my soul.
The emptiness soon surrounds me, and everything.

Sophisticated business they say this is,
Yet how I still seem a child.
See the mirror?
It holds a girl.
A girl with a broken heart.
See how the moon shines upon her?
The pale skin now shining,
But showing her dark and limping heart.

No bird could make her sing.
No sun could be her light.

But keep limping little girl,
Build up your heart.
I wish you light as well little girl,
For the heart that drags and disconnects you
From the One who holds you dear.

Martin Roberts

2010-03-17T05:48:00.000-07:00

Many a memory happy and sad.
Some to remember forever,
Others no regret to forget --
Must I live through this misery?
Where my children have passed me by and some to stay beside me?
Where day by day I am reminded of my losses and not of my gains?
But at the end of my time,
May I see all the blessings I have collected,
And not the ones I have lost.
Indeed, do not let me pass in misery,
But of a grateful heart that has been able to see much.

Malorian Rich

2010-03-17T05:44:00.000-07:00

Somehow we were content,
We were happy with our lives.
My mother and father always kept strong,
And I did my best to keep strong.

When my father was young he fought in war.
We would ask for stories about it,
But he would just tell us that you have to be,
A very brave man to be in battle.

My father was always by my mothers side.
He was with her when she had children,
And most of all when a son or daughter would die.
They loved each other very much and helped each other
Get through anything.

Soon enough I grew up,
And soon my family passed away.
Sibling after sibling did they leave this world.

Mother passed,
And a while later father followed.

I was the last to leave,
The last to die.

Tell Me.

2010-03-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

Tell me love,
Are the trees still green? And the sky a faint blue?
Do you hear the whisper of the wind that slowly controls you?
Are the woods still dark, and is there still that crack,
That when you step on a stick it snaps right in half?

Tell me dear one,
Does the piano still play,
As beautifully as I remember it playing that day?
Do the sliding doors still screech when you pull them,
And the floor still creek even as you glide once more?
Do all of these things happen,
Or are they left abandoned where none makes a sound?

Tell me again,
That you love me forever.
For with no sight at all,
I cannot tell,
If what you say,
Is not just a fairytale.

Tell me once more,
That you love me forever.
But do it in some way that I can understand,
For I cannot hear as I once did.
So take my hand and tell me through that,
You'll love me forever,
And that,
You won't regret.

One Word.

2010-02-25T16:24:00.000-08:00

A question fills my heart and my mind.
Though short, polite, and quite refined.
Just one word, to share what I really think.
But I say it quite slowly, not intending a blink.
For it sounds like a whisper, it is no harsh sound.
And it leaves your breath hanging, on to the very echo it leaves behind.

As my heart saddens and my throat closes up,
I squeeze that one word out into the open air.
Wondering, not in amazement, but confusion.
These things that just happen, that suddenly appear,
Deserve this one word that only you and I hear.
One word, one breath, is all it needs.

So tell me life's happenings,
You are here, seeming to stay.
No thought of surrendering,
What must happen today.
I ask one little thing,
One word, in one breath.

As I say it, you hear me sigh.
Out of exhaustion, confusion, and everything more.
I say it, and it echos through the walls and floors.

Why?

Feelings.

2010-02-17T06:42:00.000-08:00

Flying through the air, catching my breathe. My eyes swell with tears from the wind as it crashes against me. My throat closes so no words are of use. My heart sinks plunging into the sea, and my hands shake with fear. My pale skin returns with no good news. Everything seems a blur, no, nothing in focus. The tears my eyes bring drip down across my lips. I sit and forget what joy is, being thrown into this dark place. The wind howls in my ears and the soft whispers of the tormented are all I hear.

Relieve me of this thought, of this pain, of this oppressing way. Let me go, and let there be no more torture. Save me of this misery and let me hear sweet tunes. Let my limbs no longer feel numb so that I may dance in joy and love. But sadness wraps my heart, and no hope is to be found. Not yet.

You are here now. My stomach flutters with the joy that consumes my body. A smile is no longer brief, but seemingly everlasting. A soft pink covers me now, and a sweat comes from being overwhelmed. I jump and dance, yes, a happiness now is within me. For You have come and saved my soul. The darkness no longer wins and no longer do I scream in pain and misery. Your light overcomes everything and the love You pour into my soul is unexplainable.

Walking across the valley I feel You beside me, yes, You are here now.
Don't leave. Please don't.
You are what I need.
You are all I need.

Snow.

2010-01-29T05:42:00.000-08:00

Snow is flying in the air,
As the wind quickens its pace.
Laying almost everywhere,
Each flake now takes its place.

Glazing the ground with light white blanket,
You cannot even see.
The brown tree branches up against the sky,
Or the grass beneath your feet.

Cold and gray it left the sky,
As if an old and lonely sea.
The warm calm breeze comes swiftly by,
And wakes the sky with relief.

Our Little Girl

2009-11-27T07:24:00.000-08:00

Our hearts are broken
From one little girl
Whom we loved and whom we lived in
Smothering her with love
We could not tell the future
Or the brokenness we would then compose
Now the solitude they feel
At the emptiness which now is revealed
Will crumble our hearts at just the sight
The love in which we lent
To that one little heart, that one little girl
May-hap go far into the world that we do not know well at all

But who knows
Who dares to say
In which the wind will obey
It could blow in many ways
In our favor
Or in theirs
O wind please be ours
Be ours to blow
To blow away and back again
I want to see her -- yes please once again
To see her smile and hear her laugh
O what a joy would that be in
For that little girl
She is ours too
Yes she -- is Our Little Girl

Finally. I got a post out.

2009-11-23T13:20:00.000-08:00

I sit down to write a post. To start again with this writing thing.
Who knew that it could be this difficult to just write a post. . . I didn't.
In the movies you watch people like Kathleen Kelly and Julie Powell sit down and write something -- even if it's on a food blog or in a message to an "over the internet" friend. Somehow they managed to get something out. Something out that didn't sound completely ridiculous because they didn't know what to say. They formed words that sounded good together and little phrases that never leave your mind like, "a bouquet of sharpened pencils..." and such like that. Of course, they had script writer's who formed the words for them, but someone still thought of it. Someone thought of, "I like Patricia. I *love* Patricia. Patricia makes coffee nervous" and all of those things that just make me laugh and want to hear that line said again.

They also have the benefit of living in a place like New York City, where they can write about the things that they see every morning that happen to be very good at repetition. Writing about bakery's opening up for the day, people's habits in grocery stores, and the every day conversations that you have in the same book store that you own.
And what could I write about? I could write about the school buses that pick up the children in our neighboring homes. The farmer's that eat at the local diner every morning. The same mail man that brings our mail. The two lady's that walk the same route every day, normally at the same time. And such like that.
But all those seam almost blase, if you will.
Perhaps I will try to make them sound as interesting as New York City's little habits. Who knows.

But not now.

----

.....

2008-11-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

children laugh as many sing.
people discuss as children scream.
but I, no not I, could ever handle these things.

toys are on the floor while people just ignore,
all the incredibly intricate entertainment that they are there for.
but I, no not I, could ever handle these things.

these things that I speak of are not for my life,
for although it may be nice I am quite the opposite.
yes I, indeed I, am quite different and only wish to be the way which I speak of.

for children laugh as many sing.
people discuss as children scream.
and I just sit and ignore as best as I can.

indeed toys are on the floor while people just ignore,
all the incredibly intricate entertainment that they are there for.
and I, yes indeed I, just sit and ignore it all and do nothing about it.

utter failure. the loss of destination. nothing in sight, and no one to be heard.

it is a blank slate with no directions written on it to help you at all. . .

. . .it is a blank slate with no directions written on it to help me.

but with no directions I shall move forward,
even if there are to be trials in the moving.
for I, yes indeed I, shall not ignore my failures,
but make better of them and turn them around into a way for me to move forward.

to move, and not stand still.
to make something from nothing.
to sing while feeling melancholy in heart.
to help when I am not motivated.
to make everything worth while.
to love and not hate. . . .

. . .to handle the situation, and not ignore.

yes I, indeed I, shall conquer this.

I shall.

temptations.

2008-10-24T11:42:00.000-07:00

I sit in the kitchen. Jeff Buckley in the back round accompanying my many thoughts.
A younger brother comes in with the mail, and I happen upon reception cards that were sent back for my sister's wedding. So soon, that event is coming. . .and soon, would I like this pounding headache to go away.

But piles of folded laundry wait for me to put them away. My Grandpa and Grandma's apartment bed wants to be made by me so that it looks ready for someones arrival. So many things call on me so that I might be able to do it, but I still just sit here drinking my coffee that calms me. I continue to type certain computer keys to make words that you can read. . .

And yet I feel as if I might fail at both typing and with the many things that need to be done. For Jeff Buckley's falsetto is pulling me into a deep sleep that tempts me very much. The thought of sleeping and relaxing is such a wonderful thought to me at this very moment. So much that other things don't even seem like something that needs to be done. But sleep is something that I need to get done, so I may be ready for the days ahead of me. . .

"No," I say in response to this wonderful thought that came into my head. For although it is a wonderful thought and it tempts me so, it can not be. So many things need to be done, and some need to be done by a certain time. . .so no is all I can say. . .

But my mind is utterly confused with this strange and odd decision I have made.

"What?. . .why?. . ."

And all I can say is. . .

"I don't know. . . ."

one year.

2008-09-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

one year ago my precious little niece was born. and almost exactly a year ago I wrote this:

another niece. a cute little girl.
little, tiny, and adorable.
although i have not seen her eye to eye,
i can see her and say "my, my, my."
aubrey you have a special spot in me.
and forever it shall always be.

at the moment. . .

2008-08-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

I would gladly post if only I had pictures to post instead of having to think of words to write that make sense and that might be of interest to you. but sadly enough I have no pictures from the events from today to show you, so I have to be kind and write something. then again, I really don't have to be kind but I am deciding that I should at least be a little nice to you. . .I hope that you are glad with my decision. . .?

at the moment:

-- I am quite tired and really just want to be able to sleep in at least a little bit, for even by 6:00 in the evening I am ready for bed, exhausted but not wanting to break down crying at the stupidest thing on earth only because I am tired. so really I should at least become a little more wise and go to bed earlier than I have been lately. . .

-- I am a bit chilly, and truthfully a mug of hot chocolate sounds rather delicious at the moment. and when I think about hot chocolate for some reason I go on thinking about a warm, cozy home that is in England during the winter season, and it sounds rather delightful to me. sitting by the fire maybe talking, and maybe listening to some Frank Sinatra. oh, how wonderful it sounds. maybe I shall actually do it some day, and then I would feel even more wonderful than I do now at the thought of it. . .

-- I am thinking about what my family is doing at home. and truthfully, I don't actually know what they are doing. so I guess I am actually thinking about what my family could be doing. and now my mind is going blank. what are they doing? I don't know, and I don't want to know either. because then I will want to be there doing what they are doing but it isn't quite possible because I am a little far away from them which really does make it difficult to do the thing that they are doing. . .

-- I am thinking about the day that has just passed. the 13th of August that is in the year of 2008. the day that is my birthday, the one where I have turned 13. I am thinking about it, and I can't really remember everything that we have done. it might take some time before I remember everything. so I think I shall stop thinking about it since I really have no purpose thinking about it. whatever. . .

-- I have decided that I am going to bed, for I am very tired and only wanting sleep to drift me away to a far away place, and maybe that far away place is home. my home. the home that I have always lived in. my home that has brought so many memories both happy and sad. my home that when I look at it it makes me quite happy inside. it's a wonderful feeling. I love it quite a lot. I am looking forward to it when I arrive home on Sunday the 17th of August. and now I am talking my head off. . .oh dear. what shall I do with myself I shall never know. but one thing I know is that I am going to go sleep for as long as I can, which isn't very long, but that is only a minor detail, correct? but anyways. . .goodnight everyone.

pictures.

2008-08-11T05:35:00.000-07:00

these are from a New York City trip that we did in May of this year. . .

picture.

2008-08-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

this is a picture of our baby doll while at the Bronx Zoo. . .

pictures

2008-08-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

chubby hands playing a piano. . .

one of the prettiest people I know. . .

I "spied" on my sister and took pictures of her. . .

I took some pictures of her on the beach. what could be a better scenery for that?

one of the many pictures I took while at Beaver Camp. there were so many things that caught my eye. . .and this is one of them.

self portrait

2008-07-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

Merrick and I. . .

this is one of my favorite self portraits. . .

strange.

2008-07-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

this evening I was just sitting while my younger brother was playing with his nephew from California, and I couldn't help it but just wonder as to why they might enjoy such a way of playing. . .Jameson was locked (somehow, I'm not sure how) in a tent while his uncle, that is only nine years old, yelled very harshly all the sudden into the tent with a face that would have scared many I am sure. at this the nephew only laughed after being a bit frightened, then would only enjoy it over and over again.

isn't being scared what we don't want? if any of us have a somewhat scary dream, we all wish that it would be gone of our minds forever. and yet at some points when we are scared we only laugh at ourselves for even looking a bit frightened or maybe for some of us, at the little scream that might come out at the shock and excitement that just happened. and forever, it seems as if it might be a funny memory.

it is quite strange, I must say. . .

. . .

2008-06-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

I've come to this site more than twice before this thinking that I should post, and really, I do try. but obviously the amount that I am trying isn't good enough for me.
I could write a whole paragraph, read through it, and get rid of it only because I don't like the way I placed some of the words. am I really this picky?

sometimes I like how the time can go by so fast. but right now I don't like it at all. already it is June, and tonight my older sister is graduating. is it really possible? can it already be this far into the year? I don't like this. I don't like it at all...

I say that time is going by fast, and then I think about my age. only 12. only turning 13 in a little less than two months. only 12, and the tallest girl in my family. when I think of this, I think that time is going by so slowly. but really, it
isn't at all...

I think about next year's graduation, when a bunch of my friends will graduate. yes, I know. they are how much older than me, and yet they are my friends. I don't get it either. the only happy thought about them graduating is that if we take pictures together, I will be in a graduation gown too only because I will have graduated from 8th grade. and then again, it isn't the happiest thought...

now I wish that life would go a bit slower...and I'm afraid that it won't.

back to reality.

2008-06-05T11:48:00.001-07:00

at night when I turn the light out and the room is completely dark, I only wait for sleep to come and take me away. for once I hear the click of the switch for the lamp beside me, I can only think of the many things that I still have to do. they bother me so much right before I sleep, and that is why I enjoy this time. for I dream of wonderful things. where everything is perfect. where I have nothing to worry about. and even though the dream may be short, it is still quite wonderful.
but then. it stops. I hear other sounds in which I did not hear in the dream. and then, I realize. . .

I'm back in reality. . .

favorite song.

2008-05-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

this has become my favorite song to listen to.

I don't know how many times I have listened to it.

but I'm not sick of it yet, and won't be for a good while.

friends.

2008-05-21T11:36:00.000-07:00

friends are always the ones that encourage me. the ones that always listen to all the random things that I talk about. the ones that tell me that I shouldn't put myself down so much. the ones that always tell me fun, interesting things that make me laugh. the ones that tell me about new artists that I might like listening to. their the ones that if they weren't there, I would be very sad. their the ones that take up a chunk of my life, but I'm glad that they do just because I love them so much. . .

I like friends lots and lots.

I really do.

. . .

2008-04-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

The significance of writing has been blown out inside of me. No fire is burning any more. But yet I find a peace in writing, and try to keep that fire burning.
I feel as if it only takes time, and I would rather just think of the words inside and not have to write them out. I feel that no words can explain what I am thinking, that they cannot describe what is in my mind. But you can only understand if you see what I see, and hear what I hear.

I hold on in the hope that all the interest will come back.
So let that fire keep on burning, lest I give up forever.

over. . .now

2008-03-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

easter is over now, and we have to wait another year until we decorate the house and get cheese braid made just for this special day. we will wait another year until we decide what colors we will all wear. one more year until we set flowers in the middle of the tables for the center pieces. another year. . .it seems like forever from where we are.

but now we are painting some of the rooms in the house different colors and we will have to get used to the change. and soon we will put our normal decorations out and put the easter ones away.
and even though easter has come and passed, snow is still on the ground. and we are constantly told not to hope for spring to much. but im afraid our hopes are still pretty high even though snow is still covering the ground. at least we have a little.

now i have to go back to my every day life. where i have many things to do.

routine.

2008-03-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

i can't just hang around doing whatever i think best. i can't try to sleep in, and then get up very lazily. i can't just play and sing some songs that i have written. i can't just laugh and think that at some point i will get back into routine. instead. . .i have to get into routine.
i try my hardest to get myself to think that getting back into routine is very important. that concentrating on school and exhausting my brain is better then just sitting around thinking of the wonderful things in life. that practicing a ballade is better than going through some songs i have written. sometimes i truly hate routine.

but i guess i must go start, my routine. . .

home and long island.

2008-03-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

though snow is covering the grounds where my beloved home is. bare tree's paint the sky and leaves the ground.

it is light where my hometown is but the clouds cover the sun so it is hiding. here the sun is to be seen and fills the sky with happiness.

the breeze at home is cold and brisk, but here it can be cool and inviting.

only some homes where i live look magnificently wonderful with its historic looks. here almost all homes have that "look."

at home there are no boats in the harbor, but here many are sitting there waiting for their next adventure.

both places are so very different, but i do love both so very much.

EDIT:

my cousin and i. . .just closin' our eyes for a few minutes.

a trip.

2008-03-08T07:52:00.001-08:00

i will travel to Binghamton, NY with my friend and her father.

then i will enjoy a concert with my friend.

i will be picked up by some of my family in the morning on the next day, and travel to Long Island.

when i get there, i will play in a concert, and hopefully after that. . .relax:)

chill in the morning and early afternoon the next day, then perform again.

i will say goodbye to some of the group that will be going home.

then i will enjoy being with relatives the following day.

and then i get to travel some more. only to my home, which i love the most.

thankful.

2008-03-03T10:41:00.000-08:00

i was just looking through posts that i have written, and came across something i wrote when aubrey was born:

baby aubrey

another niece. a cute little girl.
little, tiny, and adorable.
although i have not seen her eye to eye,
i can see her and say "my, my, my."
aubrey you have a special spot in me.
and forever it shall always be.

when i read this tears came to my eyes. it reminded me of how thankful i am that she is here with us. i am so thankful for the many smiles that she gives all of us, and the jibber-jabber that she says.
she is so precious to me and to all of us. and thinking about it just makes me smile.

i do, love her so very much. . .

picture or painting.

2008-02-28T14:19:00.000-08:00

love and hate.

2008-02-27T07:34:00.000-08:00

some say that they love the cold wind blowing their hair away from their face. some say they hate that it might ruin their hair. and some people say both, not knowing that they love and hate it.

i am one of them. i sometimes say that i hate the cold, brisk wind that makes me so cold i think that i might die, and only wish that the summer was here instead. i also enjoy it blowing my hair everywhere. i love taking walks in it and seeing the faces on the people passing by in their vehicles. they think im crazy. and i may be. but sometimes its a wonderful feeling. i do love being crazy sometimes.

but really. its quite funny how people change their minds so quickly. they say that they like it, and then a minute later say that they hate it. why are people like that?

love and hate. two things that all people have and they sometimes don't even know it.

A Late Walk.

2008-02-21T10:45:00.000-08:00

When I got up through the mowing field,
The headless aftermath,
Smooth-laid like thatch with the heavy dew,
Half closes the garden path.

And when I come to the garden ground,
The whir of sober birds
Up from the tangle of withered weeds
Is sadder than any words.

A tree beside the wall stands bare,
But a leaf that lingered brown,
Disturbed, I doubt not, by my thought,
Comes softly rattling down.

I end not far from my going forth,
By pickign the faded blue
Of the las remaining aster flower
To carry again to you.

-Robert Frost

blogs and posting.

2008-02-19T07:00:00.000-08:00

to be able to write something without any thinking at all would be wonderful, would it not? to not worry about wether or not it makes sense and that whoever reads it can fully comprehend what it means. to not care what it is about and what you should like it to be about. because we all know that we care what we write about. we wonder what the subject should be, and if it should be more than one subject. we all do that. sitting with the computer in front of us thinking of the many things in this world to talk about, and the many views about it. we, are quite funny. don't you agree?

why do we get a blog and post on it? is it just to get your thoughts out? to let others around and not around you know what you have been up to? or is it just to get comments that you can enjoy? why? everyone has their reasons as to why they post, but it really is a strange thing. why don't we just go around visiting people and telling them what you've been up to? i guess its that era where everyone is lazy and only enjoys typing instead of running around being a fun neighbor. :)

that would be interesting though. because at that point no one would be in their houses, but all out and about talking all day to people.

quite strange.

random things.

2008-02-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

::its around 9:20 in the morning and the house is very quiet. there is no loud laughing or even much talking in this home. it is quite strange not having a loud noise while your awake. i being used to it so very much think it almost annoying. i want to have a loud noise while im awake. i want people laughing and talking while im here. is it odd of me to want this?

::time is so weird. it comes and goes ever so quickly. sometimes it feels as if you have a thousand years to do only a few things, and other times it goes by so fast you haven't a chance to do half those things you wanted to do. isn't it weird like that?
you only have one chance to do that day because of how time works. only 24 hours in a day that passes by and will never come back again. and sometimes we wish we could do the day over again to get something right, but, we can't. we have only one chance.

::my randomness is gone. i cannot think of anything else to say.

humans.

2008-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

isn't it funny how we humans get tired of things so very quickly? when spring is here, were ready for summer. when the heat from the sun gets to be to much for us, we can't wait for the cool winds to blow and the leaves to fall to the ground. or when the rainy windy days are to unpleasant, we think it would be fun to have fluffy white snow on the ground that children can play in. why is that?

why is it that even though we get tired of seasons, we never grow tired of holidays? all the traditions we do never grow old to us and we never want anything to be different. why is that we are like this?

why is it that were so confusing?

i just don't get it.

not normal.

2008-02-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

i thought it would be a normal day with school and such. with of course the fact that some of the family would be leaving for Rochester for a couple of reasons.

isn't it annoying when things don't go to the plan you had in your mind?

i didn't picture myself in a bed watching a movie this afternoon. or being absolutely lazy and just feeling really achy. a little dizzy all the time, and just want to close your eyes the whole time.
i never enjoy feeling like this. and im sure that no one else does. who would?

maybe tomorrow will be somewhat normal.

my, wouldn't that be nice.

language.

2008-02-08T09:58:00.000-08:00

whenever i watch pride and prejudice i enjoy the language ever so much. i love how they are in arguments and still say wonderful, grand, long words, and somehow their meaning is very rude, and the other person takes offense to that.
now days, if you say some word that means hideous or something of the sort. it means nothing to them. they might laugh in your face, and think that you are quite strange. why does it have to be like that? i want to be able to say long, grand words that break a heart even though the word sounds quite delicate. and the person (or people) that i am speaking to would be able to understand me.
i long to be in a argument like the one Elizabeth and Lady Catherine de Bourgh have. to be able to think of such words that mean so much in that little amount of time. wouldn't it be wonderful? to be able to use that proper language all the time, and everything making sense. oh, how i wish.

i am afraid that i wish to much, and that it can get quite overboard.

valentines day.

2008-02-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

its already here. the cookies with pink frosting, the decorated cards that tell you how much people love you, and the happiness that comes along with it.

who would hate valentines day?

not i. when i think of valentines day, i think of the family sitting around the table chatting away. there are pink or red napkins, and cups filled with candy. there are cards at every setting, with a different design on each one. the pink and red hearts are almost overwhelming. but a good overwhelming indeed. when you walk into the room your heart is filled with happiness. a smile comes on to your face and you could just sit there looking at everyone and everything thats in the room.

isn't valentines lovely?

i think so.

what i did last night.

2008-02-04T05:11:00.000-08:00

i tried my hardest to focus on the game. i really did.

i was only able to accomplish five pieces of pizza. i didn't feel like getting sick.

i took part in imaginiff, and wasn't to far from the winner.

i laughed very hard at the boys and girls that tried to balance on the exercise balls.

i got way to excited when the NY Giants got the last touchdown.

i had a really fun time, but was very tired by the end of it. . .

and yet, i still have to get up to the alarm clock. . .

its official.

2008-02-01T13:35:00.000-08:00

keane is one of my favorite things to listen to.

i like them that much.

. . .

2008-01-29T11:27:00.000-08:00

how long must this linger on? this thing that i live on? i feel continually sick and brokenhearted by the lives people can lead. only wishing that i could fix everything so that every single thing would be wonderful. but i, knowing this cannot be only wish to be free from this world. this world of sin led lives. how i wish to let it go on without me, and let it pass over me like a cloud in the sky. going on to whatever may come of it. and let me close my eyes and take the longest rest i will ever be in. waiting for Jesus to come and take me to heaven, where everything will be perfect, just as i have dreamed.

-anonymous

tagged.

2008-01-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

well, i have been tagged. by her to be exact. so here goes. . .

1) surprisingly enough, though i am only twelve i am going to BASIC. the only reason being that i am playing in julia's band one of the nights. i find this a rather scary thought, and think that it will be very awkward or something like that.

2) if i wanted i could go on a fruit diet for the rest of my life. i know, its strange. but its just stating a true fact about me.

3) normally, whenever i explained my hair i said it was really wavy. im realizing its actually pretty much all curls with a bit of straight hair instead of "wavy."

4) i've realized that seven is a really awkard number and i don't like having to set tables for seven because of how awkward it is.

5) i absolutely hate hearing or watching myself. if i do i either plug my ears and sing the "lala song," or i just walk out of the room.

6) i hate my hand writing. and even though i dislike it, i have no wishes as to fix it. . .i must be weird. . .

7) whenever i have my own house im not going to paint the walls the normal colors that everyone does. i mean, their nice colors but its just not me to do exactly what everyone else does.

------------------------

Here are the rules for the game:
-Link to the person that tagged you
-Post the rules on your blog.
-Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
-Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
-Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

i'm not tagging anyone because i think everyone pretty much has been tagged.

shopping.

2008-01-17T18:09:00.000-08:00

my day actually started out good. usually it starts out with me being totally lazy, disagreeable, or in some cases quite histarical, only because of how giggly i can be because of how tired i am. it just somehow works that way.
it used to be me, the only one that actually got up to the alarm clock and started off the day with a new excitement (im not sure what about, but you know!).
i would sit in the kitchen while the only other person awake was louissa because she had work to go to. the other two girls just happened to forget that their youngest sister woke them up so they could start their day on time, and just fell back alseep. . .

but, that is a completely different subject. and i wish not to carry on with it.

. . .it started out good, and this is strange for me. the day started out quite normally, i asure you. school had begun after breakfast and everyone seemed quite normal. i just happened to go shopping with my mother right after lunch. it wasnt so bad but, i tell you, the only thing that bothered me so, was the fact that i saw quite a few girls/30 year old moms wearing chunky, ugly heels. it was awful to look at. and that was definitely my least favorite party about the day. it bothered me quite a bit.
i know that my mother got quite a bit of things today, but all i know is that pushing the cart and keeping hold of the cell phone was my job. im not sure if i did much else. i feel like i did nothing else. but im not sure if i did something else or not. strange. . .
when we were finally coming home i was quite thankful. i was tired and completely ready for bed, and was more than satisfied with the amount of shopping we had done.
i can say completely honestly, that i do not like shopping.

i am home now, and my mother is putting things away where they belong. i have figured out what i shall pack for our trip this weekend but have not packed it yet. so, my evening here has not ended yet. i wish it would, but it will not end very happily if i do not finish the things which are needed to be done.

ahhhhh, the wonderful things of life.

we must be popular!

2008-01-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

you probobly know that there are these items with names that we all like.

looking at different things on their site, i just happened to find these.

this just makes me love j.crew even more.

tired.

2008-01-11T12:42:00.001-08:00

although i had much fun last night watching Pride and Prejudice with a bunch of girls. today i am very tired and have no wish of being productive of any kind. the rain coming down outside does not help with that, and neither does the fact that there are grey clouds outside. even though i am tired, i still have to continue with my school and chores (to my dissatisfaction). it would be quite nice if we could just not do school because we are tired. and if that was aloud i would hardly do any school because i am tired all the time. i would enjoy that though.

i sit here typing while my sister is asleep on the couch and i listen to classical music which i quite enjoy. then i just think of how nice it would be if i could lay down all day with my eyes closed listening classical music. how i would like that, each piece having its own feeling. . .*sigh*. . .

doesn't it sound wonderful?

crazy.

2008-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

:: the new year begins, even if were not ready. with christmas decorations back in their boxes, and the regular decorations in their places. we clean and do whatever needs to be done. although christmas is my favorite time, seeing what we have for decorations on a regular daily basis seams quite nice.

:: i went through my new calender writing in different things here and there. i look at the number next to my siblings and nieces names, amazed at how old they will be and how crazy it is.

how is it 2008. . .already?

btw : i've done more than that, don't worry :)

the party.

2008-01-02T08:03:00.000-08:00

we were busy getting food ready, cleaning, and decorating. putting outfits together and some were even decorating their masks. twinkle lights were put up and other lights turned off so it had this wonderful effect. punch was made, and so was pudding, both chocolate and vanilla. soon, people started coming, group by group. first, talking about masks and outfits had to be done. then slowly there was dancing on the dance floor. the house was filled with people, all having a blast. fast dances, slow dances, both we all enjoyed. the evening started to slip away and soon, they started to leave, group by group. with only some people left the last song was played. then, it was over. well, sort of. some started to clean up, some watched a movie, and others just talked.

but over all. . .it was a blast. this party is something i look forward to every year. it's really, that much fun.

. . .

2007-12-29T07:48:00.000-08:00

there's a party soon. so cleaning is needed. instead of relaxing today pick-up and such will have to be done.

cleaning. . .not my favorite thing.

christmas eve.

2007-12-24T07:07:00.000-08:00

already it is the day before christmas. christmas eve as most call it. where children get excited at what they shall unwrap, making last minute wishes and their wish that they may get, the most wonderful thing that they put on their list.
looking at presents that are under the tree, and counting each one that they think says "me."
staring at ornaments that are hung on each branch, wondering "how in the world did they get like that?"
every little child i think may wonder, if the nutcrackers around the house really do turn real. do they fight during the night, being brave and all of that? do they really save girls who throw one slipper? or fight the king of rats that has three heads? "is all of this real?" they may ask their mother and father, as they are tucked into bed with only dreams to find out. soon they get older, and they also get bolder. walking down the steps to see if it's all true. the nutcracker, the rats, and the other wonderful dreams. only to find a room that is empty with stockings full, bulging with plenty. presents wrapped under the tree, that still says to them, "me."

. . .

2007-12-20T10:24:00.000-08:00

my younger brother and i went to our favorite yellow house, not only to just babysit, but to have a party of our own. cookies while watching a movie is probably one of their favorite things to do. i don't blame them.
after tucking them in bed, i watched them each close their eyes slowly as they drifted off to sleep. i went downstairs and with nothing else to do, played a game with my younger brother. it was fun, but made me even more tired.
after he was brought home. . .to bed i went.

their sleeping soundly for their afternoon nap. the house is silent and you can only hear the clocks going tick-tock tick-tock. i keep on looking at their stockings hanging on the banister. with horses, penguins, holly and other things. their christmas tree decorated with many ornaments and has lights to make it bright. it is a beautiful sight.
now i, myself, might even go to sleep. for i am quite tired.

weird.

2007-12-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

Now that I think about it, Christmas is really soon. Because when you say that Christmas is in eight days, not only do you get excited, but I know for a fact that some mothers are glad that they have at least eight more days to wrap presents, and even finish Christmas shopping. Boy am I glad that I'm not them.

Only eight more days. . .

the count down begins.

snow storm.

2007-12-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

I woke up thinking I would be going to church and having a normal but busy day even though there is a lot of snow coming down on us. Well, church is canceled and so are other events that we had planned.
We all got ready for the day, but will end up in the family room around the fire keeping warm. Finishing gingerbread houses and having as much fun as you can have when there's a snow storm outside the house.

kids are playing, and there are baby's being held. songs being played, and there are games with much laughter.
no one ever thinks of snow storms as fun. but I do. I enjoy being with everyone. with everyone I love. so that's why I will enjoy this day so much. because I can spend more time with my family.

I think I will enjoy this day very much.

tid-bits.

2007-12-13T12:03:00.000-08:00

A couple of songs that I really enjoy listening to are from Sense and Sensibility. What do you know?! I look them up and repeat them over and over again. I finally tell myself that I should do something else because I'm not really doing anything on the computer but just listening to the music. It's to bad that I'm not able to just repeat it in my own head instead of having to play them on the computer. Merrick just thinks something is wrong with me by the time I play it the tenth time. Oh well, he's stuck with me for a while.

I decorated some rum logs today, and I was supposed to do it with my sister who actually just made the frosting and then left for her lesson. After ten cookies I was about to give up. It just wasn't that fun by myself. It's more fun when there's a ton of laughter going on and there a few people sitting around the table, each with a place mat in front of them to set the decorated rum logs on.

More and more snow falls to the ground. More snow? I thought we had enough, but I guess not. The more the merrier for the little kids I guess :)

Gains for All Our Losses

2007-12-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

THERE are gains for all our losses,
There are balms for all our pain:
But when youth, the dream, departs,
It takes something from our hearts,
And it never comes again.

We are stronger, and are better,
Under manhood's sterner reign:
Still we feel that something sweet
Followed youth, with flying feet,
And will never come again.

Something beautiful is vanished,
And we sigh for it in vain:
We behold it everywhere,
On the earth, and in the air,
But it never comes again.

-R.H.Stoddard

egg people.

2007-12-07T06:10:00.000-08:00

you could only wonder so much why my title is what it is. its a "thanks to merrick" title if you know what i mean. he only can bring up the most funniest conversations in the whole world. heres one for you. . .

"i never knew that reindeer were red."

"merrick, reindeer aren't red."

"yes they are," pointing to his glass which had a reindeer painted red.

"haha, thats funny merrick."

------- a minute later. . .

"jamie, josh, and me like live on eggs! --- well, they eat more eggs than me, but i eat a lot of eggs too."

"huh, thats interesting merrick."

"you know, their kinda like egg people."

i could only look at him with half a smirk. though it was pretty funny.

christmas tree

2007-12-04T06:00:00.001-08:00

the candles were lit, there were glasses of milk and a platter of cookies. box's everywhere with things inside that were soon to be on the tree. a camera was set up so we could capture the memory's of this years christmas decorating.
only when some were all done and others halfway done was the tree covered with lights, tinsel, and ornaments of many different kinds. and i must admit, the whole time we were decorating i was thinking of singing "O Christmas Tree" really randomly. its too bad i didn't.

now when we walk downstairs in the early morning we pass a room with a tree that looks beautiful. now the room is finished with christmas decorating, and we can enjoy the way it looks for at least a little while.

tree time.

2007-12-03T06:35:00.001-08:00

though its cold and some snow is falling down to the ground, we are all going to go look for a Christmas tree. almost like a hunt. . .no, just joking. although with a few other daughters helping my mom pick out a tree, i just sit in the snow or play with the little kids. its more fun for me. im not the type that picks out tree's. i just nod my head if they ask me a question, or just say, "i don't know. . . why would i know?"
yeah, thats me.

all i know is that one thing i will definitely be saying is, "my feet hurt."

because we still don't have boots that are the right size for my feet.

hopefully this year i'll get some.

hopefully.

concert.

2007-12-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

a concert. a crowd. matching outfits. 10 songs they all really loved.

if it happened again i would be glad.

because it was fun.

tid-bits

2007-11-27T16:57:00.000-08:00

candles are lit in the family room and the lights are all turned off, so you only see by candlelight. could it be much prettier? snowman and nutcrackers are near the candles so they are glowing in the dark. the few santa clauses there are in the family room are glowing too, but each one is quite different. quite strange that each santa clause is so much more different than the others. i guess it just makes it more interesting.

during our dinner it was snowing, and when you looked outside all you could see is white with some random little colors here and there. boy was it wonderful looking.
when the snow stopped the ground looked so fluffy because of the new layer. almost as if you wouldn't dare walk on it because than you would ruin the look. oh well. . .im afraid some people have already gone out and will be coming back with more footprints to make.

merrick was walking around listening to my dads rio looking at all of us just to make sure that we knew that he was listening to dads rio (because apparently thats really cool to do). he was also singing along, not really sure on all of the words he was singing. it just happened to be his oldest sisters music too.
although it does get annoying after a while having to listen to a very high pitched voice, he was pretty cute.

and you have to admit it.

sick. . .

2007-11-27T08:42:00.000-08:00

laying on the couch with a blanket all around me to keep me warm while i blow my nose a gazillion times. reading history books that i wish would entertain me. watching christmas movies that make me realize how girly i really am. all the candles that are lit in the evening that just make it so much more fun.
at least the christmas season is always happy. so when i am sick i still feel a little bit happy.

but the bottom line is that i don't enjoy being sick.

who does?

thanksgiving.

2007-11-23T10:35:00.000-08:00

i had a wonderful thanksgiving.

laughter,

music,

games and more.

i hope you had a good one too.

energy.

2007-11-20T16:44:00.000-08:00

after a day of school, grocery shopping, and more. i am not that tired. though i should be after killing my brain, carrying bags full of food, and doing random pick-up. it doesn't match. i think i am supposed to be tired.
there is still a bit of energy somewhere in me (as i somehow feel it). i am not sure what i shall do. if my mama was to start baking this evening, i would help as much as i could (as i have never made pies or any kind of the sort). but alas, my mum is quite tired after all she has done and no energy left for that. she does have energy enough to sit down and watch a movie though, and i think we all do. but what kind of energy is that? enough where you get excited about the movie so you get a blanket and some coffee, sit down to watch the movie, and never get up until the end? i think it might. maybe thats the type of energy i have. . .you never know.

we all the sudden got old.

2007-11-15T15:56:00.000-08:00

after eating we obviously had to clean up from dinner. meanwhile. . .had some fun too.

things that i have thought about.

2007-11-15T12:02:00.000-08:00

amazingly enough. . .I have already started playing some christmas songs. I don't get sick of playing them as long as I make them a little different in my own way. Soon liana will be saying, "can you please play a different song." I know this is just awful of me, but at times like that I just ignore her and keep on playing.
although it isn't very normal when she asks you to play that song when she dies. but you know. . .

today is rainy. which means that I am not very motivated to do anything of any kind except watch a movie. of course, I can't do that because I have other things that I need to finish. if only it was sunny.

i just wish i could go to sleep.

random things.

2007-11-13T05:51:00.000-08:00

i am at the point in my sickness that while i am chewing i can't breath because my nose is all stuffed up. it truly is awful feeling.
at least sleeping isn't difficult yet. . .

fall used to be all sunny with a bit of breeze in the air. now it just looks cold and damp. whats so fun about that? to me, nothing. but something i do have fun with is the decorations we have out. all the pilgrims in different places. . .my favorite is the pilgrims/bunny's that we all said were dancing.

i feel like i haven't been able to get all the things i need to get done, get done. then again, you always think of new things by the time your doing something else, so you say to yourself that you'll do that next and you really just have a huge list that pretty much stays the same length because you keep on adding things. i don't like that.
at this point i just wish that i didn't have school to do and could just clean, practice, and do other odd things that i like to do. wouldn't that be just so much nicer (well, to me at least)? i really don't mind practicing that much, 'cause it just means that i am getting better at the things that i am practicing which could mean that i don't practice many things because not everything sounds good...anyways.

off i go. . .to attempt getting everything done like i do every day.

i hope yours goes well.

im up late/early

2007-11-10T22:03:00.000-08:00

you're probably wondering why i am up so late/early. if i was really talking to you i would probably say that its my stupid leg. i know, sounds weird.
but its true. to be specific, my right leg is in pain. only god knows why. laying in bed didn't help me though, just made it worse. so i got up.
besides the pain my nose is stuffy, runny, and its just plain annoying to be sick. who enjoys blowing their nose continually every five minutes or so? not me.
im not sure if church will be in my schedule for tomorrow or not. its all up in the air.

but now who knows what i shall do. soon i will go back up to bed and try to go to sleep.

time to move on.

2007-11-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

after what happened, we all mourned for them. but there comes a time when you have to move on.

Ecclesiastes 3:4
A time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

sadness fills my heart.

2007-11-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

crying...tears falling down my face. no longer can the sun make my thoughts happy.

November.

2007-11-06T04:56:00.000-08:00

My November Guest

My Sorrow, when she's here with me,
Thinks these dark days of autumn rain
Are beautiful as days can be;
She loves the bare, the withered tree;
She walks the sodden pasture lane.

Her pleasure will not let me stay.
She talks and I am fain to list:
She's glad the birds are gone away,
She's glad her simple worsted grady
Is silver now with clinging mist.

The desolate, deserted trees,
The faded earth, the heavy sky,
The beauties she so ryly sees,
She thinks I have no eye for these,
And vexes me for reason why.

Not yesterday I learned to know
The love of bare November days
Before the coming of the snow,
But it were vain to tell he so,
And they are better for her praise.

- Robert Frost

trick or treaters. . .

2007-10-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

whenever you go through towns during this time of year. not only do you see simply fall decor, but "evil looking pumpkins" and other sorts of that kind. tall pointy hats are in many places, and will soon be on children's heads that are saying "trick or treat" (or as it sounds like, "tricker treat"), with these expressions on their faces hoping for candy as if they would die if they didn't get any - a.k.a.- if you don't give me any candy i will literally throw a temper tantrum and embarrass my parent that brought me here.
wouldn't it be awful if you just closed the door saying nothing after opening it and seeing the trick or treaters? you saw these kids in these silly looking costumes that actually almost look kind of scary, so you close the door thinking they'll go away. but then you here another knock. you, knowing that it was some trick or treaters, should finally realize that in stead of opening and closing the door within fifteen seconds every five minutes should just turn all the lights out and go to bed early. sounds good to me.
but, in order to keep the neighborhood happy you have to buy candy and give a few pieces to every child that comes to your door. sounds like a fun evening, doesn't it?

at least im not opening any doors this coming halloween. . .that would be scary.

things i enjoy.

2007-10-17T18:08:00.000-07:00

yet when going to bed when dark, and waking up when the sky is pink and shows the outline of the trees outside my window perfectly, the rest of the day is just not as fun.
i enjoy looking out the window and seeing the things in the yard. and just thinking really. watching the birds fly around from tree to tree chirping as loud as you can imagine (i'll have to admit that it does get annoying after a while).
the day that evolves in practicing, school, and chores is just not as fun as laying in bed and watching the pink sky turn to a different color. although taking walks and watching the leaves fall to the ground is fun for me and could entertain me for quite a while.
i also enjoy sitting in our family room, with all the candles lit (you might want to make sure that they are all lit before my mother walks in the room), just relaxing. 'course, with the sinclair family there is almost always laughing. so sitting around in a room where a bunch of candles are lit is not boring. the funniest random things can come up. so you would enjoy being here.
i enjoy fiddling on the piano. making up random little melodies here and there, and just attempting to play worship songs is fun for me. playing the same two chords and just singing something along with them is fun, laughing at the stupid things i said, it sounds like im going phsyco or something (maybe i am).

but i guess i thought that i would let you know what things i enjoy best.

what i did. and what i will do.

2007-10-13T04:38:00.001-07:00

yesterday evening i walked down to the little yellow house. ready to watch three little children, who didn't want to go to bed. when their father, mother, and little baby sister left. all they wanted is them to come home. but. . .
the evening went on, and soon they went up stairs to their warm, cozy beds. where they listened intently to me reading peter pan. of course i couldn't read for long. because at that point they would never fall asleep early enough (which by then they would be called exhausted little children).
soon they were all asleep. you could tell by the way they breathed. there were coughs every now and then because the youngest of them all is not feeling well.
all was safe for me to leave. getting out of the rocking chair and then going downstairs. i started picking up pillows from the ground, and sippy-cups went to the kitchen. then, i was able to relax. but before completely relaxing i re-did my hair because when you play around with little kids, it does get a little messy.

but today we will play songs for some people, which we hope they enjoy. we also hope that we don't mess up on anything, which, of course, is rare for the sinclair girls to do. . .right?!

happy birthday a bit late. . .

2007-10-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

michael samuel marotta, this is just for you.
i know its late but what could i do.
i didn't know that that date was so important to you.

so happy birthday!

tonight was a special night.

2007-10-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

i walked over with graded cheese in hand, which was for their dinner. we waited for the arrival of three special people, whom we love very much. washing hands, running around, picking out a movie, when there's a horn beep. if you looked in the drive way you could see a gray car with a mommy, daddy, and a tiny little baby coming out. running outside to greet them, everyone was smiling and glad to see them, knowing that they would be staying for good.
everyone washed their hands once more so they would be able to hold the little girl. the little baby that was dressed in pink, was passed on from person to person. a happy older sister, who was definitely having the best time of her life. an older brother who couldn't stop touching her soft pink baby skin. aunt lalania was next in line to hold her. making sure she was happily sleeping. and then i was able to hold her. since i had already eaten, everyone else ate while i held her. this new paladin baby was in my arms. breathing quite quickly, it kind of made me breath quickly. how strange? she was soft and warm. her mouth was open as she slept. at times she would smile in her sleep. or make a worried face as though she was about to cry (which tricked me many times). her tiny hands were clenched together most of the time, they were until she would stretch from sleeping.

i have had the most wonderful time tonight. holding a precious little baby that is a miracle. seeing a brother in-law and a sister. spending time with them, and laughing at things their other children said.
now back to reality. we are back home and are getting ready for friday school. packing things in our backpacks. and hopefully going to get a good nights sleep.

'night

us. . .

2007-09-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

it doesn't matter what time we go to bed. whenever we get up were still tired. were not very motivated, and energetic when we have to say good morning to everyone. although most everyone else is ready for the days activities, three other girls (sometimes its just me) are just sitting staring at the table sort of drifting off. in less of course, your so tired that you have way to much energy. but often tired enough where you said proverbs 9:10 with everyone else, but mess up when you have to say it alone. yes, now the family is saying verses together and discussing them. you can't forget all the questions we get from a certain eight year old boy who attempts to do his hair, and is told that he looks like a nutty professor, like in flubber.
but after boys go to school, a father goes to work, and two sisters go to work. it still manages to get quite loud with all five of us home. of course its loud. guitar, piano, and violin is being practiced. and the house about to explode because of someones vocal cords that sometimes go to high for us to handle.
whenever we are all around the kitchen table doing history, science, math, spelling, vocab, and maybe nonsense. we normally don't get a ton done. merrick is always trying to figure out a math or an english problem, but has to say it all out loud which is annoying for us because we are trying to concentrate on whatever we are doing. i am laughing at the fact that my science book has a million typo's in it. and then someone says a stupid joke, and someone always laughs while the other is saying how stupid it was. then merrick says that we shouldn't say stupid because its a bad word. so we irritate him by saying stupid over, and over, and over again (i know, were horrible sisters). . .

but all in all, were a small, but big, happy family.

a perfect setting to me.

2007-09-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

after playing a game with my mother, sister, and brother. I went to the kitchen to attack it. don't be that silly, you know what i mean by that. but after putting food away, putting dishes in the dishwasher, washing dishes that don't get cleaned in the dishwasher, and then wiping down the counters. i made sure that some lights were on and some weren't so the kitchen looked cooler (cause thats just totally a me thing to do. i also do that when i am done cleaning the bathroom. and im not sure why i just told you that. but you know now!). replayed michael bubles new cd that we got (i was listening to it while i was cleaning the kitchen. it would have been pretty funny having someone walk in during the first few songs though. i was having fun dancing to the music. who knows what that looks like!). i made some hot chocolate, got my journal, a pen, and staring writing in my journal. while taking sips here and there. liana happened to walk in while i was writing and asked if i was writing a book. hey, you never know. maybe it will be a book some day. doubtful, but you know. : )

fall is definitely my favorite time of year. i love it. all the colors. looking around as you take walks you see some trees that are all red and the leaves are almost gone. and most of them are still green and bushy. very confused trees if you ask me.
some fall decorations are out. all the candles that are around the house, usually somehow have brown in them, or a spicy orange color. which i like.
with the leaves on the ground it reminds me of when we would have to rake all the leaves (which we didn't enjoy), but did enjoy our games we would play. there is the one where someone lays down and gets covered with leaves. when everyone hides, the monster gets up and tries to find them. and over all it really is fun. or you could just have a leaf war. those are fun too. everyone getting leaves and grass in the mouth, and hair and just all over! but any ways. . .

i am tired, and ready for bed. for i must get up tomorrow and do my school (and other things of course).

so off i go. . .

2007-09-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

two girls and one boy are home right now.
other boys are at school. and the other girls are in syracuse with their new niece. of course, when one particular sister is in syracuse she always goes here. this time its for jeans.
who knows when they will get home, all in know is that we have to get ready for a guy from spain, whom i don't know at all. it will be fun having someone from spain here again, although he is not daniela or stephanie, it will still be fun (i hope).

after lunch we took a walk. liana and merrick went to the park, and since i didn't want to go there i went to the cemetery in stead. in fact, their not even back yet. i have the house to myself for a little bit. nice.
it is beautiful out though. the sun is shining but you can still tell that fall is coming. the trees are turning orange, yellow, red, and brown. and there is a wind in the air that always is here when fall is. i love it. it makes my hair look crazy so i scare the whole neighborhood when i am walking, but i really don't care. oh, the kids on the school bus just stare at me too. how nice is that. but i really do enjoy it. wait, i don't enjoy the kids staring at me. i enjoy the wind. just making sure: )

well, back to school and cleaning i go. other wise i will feel like i did nothing what so ever. and i don't like feeling like that. but whatever.

them.

2007-09-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

although their sister is in the hospital, they keep on their routine. no matter what time they went to bed, 6:30 is set on their alarm clocks which is somewhere in their head.
i am still happy to get little kiddles out of their beds and go down stairs and just sit with them. or have aunt wease put charlottes web on so they can sit and drink their juice.
but all the while they are running around in the little yellow house playing with toys, or reading books. their daddy is in syracuse looking over is little baby girl. baby aubrey.

baby aubrey.

2007-09-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

another niece. a cute little girl.
little, tiny, and adorable.
although i have not seen her eye to eye,
i can see her and say "my, my, my."
aubrey you have a special spot in me.
and forever it shall always be.

2007-09-13T15:05:00.001-07:00

i am at the yellow house. the one with a porch and inside holds some very precious people. two adults who are so close to me, and three little kids playing with toys. all three very important. but whenever i walk into their bedroom, one of the first things i see is a piece of paper that is framed. there is a little girl asleep in her bed. but underneath her it says

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
May angels watch me through the night,
And wake me with the morning light.

somethin'

2007-09-11T15:43:00.000-07:00

its raining outside and kids are running around with lightsabers in hand. correcting each other with the right lines to say, or the right way to fight in this one particular scene.
or maybe one is dressed as a princess, all pretty in pink. with heels, that she uses as phones. and a crown that makes her even more cute.
there is also the wanderer. who walks around the house, observing everything everyone is doing. he might join in with the other kids at some point, but that is rare. you will see a red head moving around, making little babbles here and there.

the three little kids are here for the day. our sister went shopping for her birthday, dropping the kids off and making a trip to watertown.
we don't have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day, or kids running around chasing each other. its fun for us to have this excitement around every now and then.
how often does a little three year old girl say to you, "how is your lipstick?" not very often i am assuming. but it happened to me. : )
--
the night has come. everyone is tired. little kids went home to their warm soft beds for a nights sleep. and i will be heading up soon too. our eyes are heavy, and are getting heavier by the minute.
soon, lights will be out and it will be silent except for the sound of the washer, dryer, and the dishwasher too. all you will see is a white house with a red roof. but soon, when the night is over. all will be up again, all awake. to do the days work again. but again they will be asleep. all silent except for the noise the washer, dryer, and dishwasher are making. because in the end, it is all just repeating itself again.

2007-08-29T06:04:00.000-07:00

i woke up at eight dreading the thought of having to get up. but really, after the shower. it wasn't that bad. after showers i always feel energetic. and if you have my mind, while you are in the shower you plan what your going to wear. thats if your me though.
the boys didn't leave for school yet but were getting ready. when i walked downstairs one of them was putting stuff in his back-pack. he asked me if liana was up. "nope" was my response. *shes still snoring in her bed* is what i thought but didn't say. "tell her that the toll house bars are really good even though im fasting." i didn't say anything, which was quite dumb of me. i could have fixed his facts. but i just walked on.

another beautiful day. sunny, a little windy. a perfect day for reading a book outside. which i will probably do if it is still nice when i go outside. what makes the day even more nice is diana krall, the sun shining into the kitchen, and french toast and bacon being made. coffee aroma in the room. one sister still has to get up. can you guess which one?!

tomorrow we will be at clarkson performing. the whole family will be. well, most of the family at any rate. we wish the whole family : )
shania twain, alsion krauss, melissa ethridge, dixie chicks, nickel creek, keith urban, fountains of wayne, and more. yes i know, more still. crazy how much we can do.

i must go and get ready for breakfast. i hope you enjoy yours too.

p.s. by the way. i made the toll house bars.

2007-08-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

:: keith urban

:: toll house cookies

:: crazy sisters dancing

:: hot dogs for a younger brother

:: the kitchen is very warm because of the oven

i feel like its another summer night. . .

2007-08-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

i am sitting in my parents room sitting on their bed. in their room they have a box with lots of fun things. when i say fun, i mean dress-up sort of fun. the kind where you look at it and it reminds you of the tea party's, the ballet dancers, the evil cook with all the potions, and of course when someone had friends over we would have the two princesses, a cook, and the dashing young man who kidnapped one of the princesses. the only reason why i am saying dashing is because thats how julia would always describe her character. 'course i was always the cook. the cook was trying to help the "dashing young man" kidnap one of the gorgeous princesses (which is probably why they never picked me to be one of the gorgeous princesses, i just didn't fit the part). so the cook put sleeping pills into the princesses tea so they would fall asleep and we could carry her into our parents bedroom which was the dashing young mans home. and we would do that whole story once or twice and then do something else.
but let me tell you, there were some pretty funny things in it. like all the drama in it. one sister is particularly good at that, but i won't name who!

sounds fun eh? i bet you wish you could have joined in on our fun : )

three walks in one day.

2007-08-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

one walk -

we started off with me in the middle. i finally told them, "can i be on the outside?" they were thoroughly confused. "whenever i am in the middle of two people i can't walk straight."
i know, im strange. but its true. i can't walk straight when i am in the middle of two people. go ahead, say that im weird.

two walks -

i needed my daily exercise. now what am i talking about. i had already gone on a walk to the bank and library with my sisters, and now i need my exercise?! im nuts. but obviously i thought that i should still go on a walk. a walk around the block. church street, north street, around the cemetery, main street, and my home. nice walk. only whenever i go on a walk they always seem to go fast. but i guess that is expected with my long legs, and how big my steps are.

three walks -

julia and i were going to try to find her (a few minutes before she had left on a walk). we didn't end up finding her, but went straight to the home town cafe for some ice cream while figuring out a set list for julia. cookie dough and black raspberry. we had quite the conversation. a funny one. but as i can't really remember the funny moments in the conversation, i won't tell you the conversation. sorry.

maybe today i will take another three walks. you never know : )

relaxing some more.

2007-08-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

after a week of vacationing at my aunt judy's, we are all ready for long naps. how does that work? i thought vacation's are supposed to be for relaxing and resting more then you normally would. with us, its actually the opposite.

you stay up late, and wake up early. only because we have some little kids who get up very early.

i don't mind it that much though. having a cute little red head tackle you (which is just falling on you) isn't bad at all. or having a red head give you sloberoo's (no clue how to spell it) is quite funny. because usually someone doesn't lift my shirt and spit on my stomach. he is to funny.
but after a week of fun we come home to reality. fortunately the house was pretty much clean, except for a huge pile of mail which i had to sort out because no one else wanted that job.

sunday is already gone. well, not completely, but close. i sang on the worship team, and during the sermon i was a bad little girl and slept in my daddy's office. ate a bagel and a half and waited to go home. i basically did nothing at home. but at six-ish i took a walk around the block. the sun was going down, and it was beautiful. as i walked past ryan and danica's first home i wondered, who was living there and what they were like. and just thought how weird it is that my sister and brother in-law don't live there anymore. how odd. but we gotta face reality.
--
my little brother is in bed, and i am the only other one home (besides grandpa and grandma). coffee, diana krall, and writing a post. i love it.

p.s. random: on north street there is a guy who has a red fro. and today as we were leaving church liana and i saw him golfing. only the weird part is that "the fro guy" didn't have a fro. he had short hair.
as you can tell, we've never seen him before without a fro. so this is pretty weird.

on our way

2007-08-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

tomorrow we will be on our way to LI for vacation.

a.k.a.

i will write when we get back.

2007-08-03T08:26:00.000-07:00

last night i saw the music man. i sat in my seat waiting for it to begin. anxious to see what it would be like for myself since everyone has said how great it is. the music started playing and it reminded me of how much i love this show. all the music got me excited. the curtains went up and if i remember correctly. i never moved in my seat. i just stayed in one position the whole time (until the intermission of course). but, the show was wonderful and everyone did very well.
we got home pretty late only because we all went to Sergi's and had a great time.
--
today is pretty windy. which i love. i love standing in a field, with a skirt, and my hair just going everywhere. i love that feeling. it feels so good to me somehow. most people think wind is annoying. at that point, their just weird to me.