.....

children laugh as many sing.
people discuss as children scream.
but I, no not I, could ever handle these things.

toys are on the floor while people just ignore,
all the incredibly intricate entertainment that they are there for.
but I, no not I, could ever handle these things.

these things that I speak of are not for my life,
for although it may be nice I am quite the opposite.
yes I, indeed I, am quite different and only wish to be the way which I speak of.

for children laugh as many sing.
people discuss as children scream.
and I just sit and ignore as best as I can.

indeed toys are on the floor while people just ignore,
all the incredibly intricate entertainment that they are there for.
and I, yes indeed I, just sit and ignore it all and do nothing about it.

utter failure. the loss of destination. nothing in sight, and no one to be heard.

it is a blank slate with no directions written on it to help you at all. . .

. . .it is a blank slate with no directions written on it to help me.

but with no directions I shall move forward,
even if there are to be trials in the moving.
for I, yes indeed I, shall not ignore my failures,
but make better of them and turn them around into a way for me to move forward.

to move, and not stand still.
to make something from nothing.
to sing while feeling melancholy in heart.
to help when I am not motivated.
to make everything worth while.
to love and not hate. . . .

. . .to handle the situation, and not ignore.

yes I, indeed I, shall conquer this.

I shall.

temptations.

I sit in the kitchen. Jeff Buckley in the back round accompanying my many thoughts.
A younger brother comes in with the mail, and I happen upon reception cards that were sent back for my sister's wedding. So soon, that event is coming. . .and soon, would I like this pounding headache to go away.

But piles of folded laundry wait for me to put them away. My Grandpa and Grandma's apartment bed wants to be made by me so that it looks ready for someones arrival. So many things call on me so that I might be able to do it, but I still just sit here drinking my coffee that calms me. I continue to type certain computer keys to make words that you can read. . .

And yet I feel as if I might fail at both typing and with the many things that need to be done. For Jeff Buckley's falsetto is pulling me into a deep sleep that tempts me very much. The thought of sleeping and relaxing is such a wonderful thought to me at this very moment. So much that other things don't even seem like something that needs to be done. But sleep is something that I need to get done, so I may be ready for the days ahead of me. . .

"No," I say in response to this wonderful thought that came into my head. For although it is a wonderful thought and it tempts me so, it can not be. So many things need to be done, and some need to be done by a certain time. . .so no is all I can say. . .

But my mind is utterly confused with this strange and odd decision I have made.


"What?. . .why?. . ."

And all I can say is. . .

"I don't know. . . ."

one year.

one year ago my precious little niece was born. and almost exactly a year ago I wrote this:



another niece. a cute little girl.
little, tiny, and adorable.
although i have not seen her eye to eye,
i can see her and say "my, my, my."
aubrey you have a special spot in me.
and forever it shall always be.

at the moment. . .

I would gladly post if only I had pictures to post instead of having to think of words to write that make sense and that might be of interest to you. but sadly enough I have no pictures from the events from today to show you, so I have to be kind and write something. then again, I really don't have to be kind but I am deciding that I should at least be a little nice to you. . .I hope that you are glad with my decision. . .?

at the moment:

-- I am quite tired and really just want to be able to sleep in at least a little bit, for even by 6:00 in the evening I am ready for bed, exhausted but not wanting to break down crying at the stupidest thing on earth only because I am tired. so really I should at least become a little more wise and go to bed earlier than I have been lately. . .

-- I am a bit chilly, and truthfully a mug of hot chocolate sounds rather delicious at the moment. and when I think about hot chocolate for some reason I go on thinking about a warm, cozy home that is in England during the winter season, and it sounds rather delightful to me. sitting by the fire maybe talking, and maybe listening to some Frank Sinatra. oh, how wonderful it sounds. maybe I shall actually do it some day, and then I would feel even more wonderful than I do now at the thought of it. . .

-- I am thinking about what my family is doing at home. and truthfully, I don't actually know what they are doing. so I guess I am actually thinking about what my family could be doing. and now my mind is going blank. what are they doing? I don't know, and I don't want to know either. because then I will want to be there doing what they are doing but it isn't quite possible because I am a little far away from them which really does make it difficult to do the thing that they are doing. . .

-- I am thinking about the day that has just passed. the 13th of August that is in the year of 2008. the day that is my birthday, the one where I have turned 13. I am thinking about it, and I can't really remember everything that we have done. it might take some time before I remember everything. so I think I shall stop thinking about it since I really have no purpose thinking about it. whatever. . .

-- I have decided that I am going to bed, for I am very tired and only wanting sleep to drift me away to a far away place, and maybe that far away place is home. my home. the home that I have always lived in. my home that has brought so many memories both happy and sad. my home that when I look at it it makes me quite happy inside. it's a wonderful feeling. I love it quite a lot. I am looking forward to it when I arrive home on Sunday the 17th of August. and now I am talking my head off. . .oh dear. what shall I do with myself I shall never know. but one thing I know is that I am going to go sleep for as long as I can, which isn't very long, but that is only a minor detail, correct? but anyways. . .goodnight everyone.

pictures.

these are from a New York City trip that we did in May of this year. . .

picture.

this is a picture of our baby doll while at the Bronx Zoo. . .



 

pictures

chubby hands playing a piano. . .



one of the prettiest people I know. . .



I "spied" on my sister and took pictures of her. . .



I took some pictures of her on the beach. what could be a better scenery for that?



one of the many pictures I took while at Beaver Camp. there were so many things that caught my eye. . .and this is one of them.

self portrait

Merrick and I. . .

this is one of my favorite self portraits. . .


 

strange.

this evening I was just sitting while my younger brother was playing with his nephew from California, and I couldn't help it but just wonder as to why they might enjoy such a way of playing. . .Jameson was locked (somehow, I'm not sure how) in a tent while his uncle, that is only nine years old, yelled very harshly all the sudden into the tent with a face that would have scared many I am sure. at this the nephew only laughed after being a bit frightened, then would only enjoy it over and over again.

isn't being scared what we don't want? if any of us have a somewhat scary dream, we all wish that it would be gone of our minds forever. and yet at some points when we are scared we only laugh at ourselves for even looking a bit frightened or maybe for some of us, at the little scream that might come out at the shock and excitement that just happened. and forever, it seems as if it might be a funny memory.

it is quite strange, I must say. . .

. . .

I've come to this site more than twice before this thinking that I should post, and really, I do try. but obviously the amount that I am trying isn't good enough for me.
I could write a whole paragraph, read through it, and get rid of it only because I don't like the way I placed some of the words. am I really this picky?

sometimes I like how the time can go by so fast. but right now I don't like it at all. already it is June, and tonight my older sister is graduating. is it really possible? can it already be this far into the year? I don't like this. I don't like it at all...

I say that time is going by fast, and then I think about my age. only 12. only turning 13 in a little less than two months. only 12, and the tallest girl in my family. when I think of this, I think that time is going by so slowly. but really, it
isn't at all...

I think about next year's graduation, when a bunch of my friends will graduate. yes, I know. they are how much older than me, and yet they are my friends. I don't get it either. the only happy thought about them graduating is that if we take pictures together, I will be in a graduation gown too only because I will have graduated from 8th grade. and then again, it isn't the happiest thought...


now I wish that life would go a bit slower...and I'm afraid that it won't.

back to reality.

at night when I turn the light out and the room is completely dark, I only wait for sleep to come and take me away. for once I hear the click of the switch for the lamp beside me, I can only think of the many things that I still have to do. they bother me so much right before I sleep, and that is why I enjoy this time. for I dream of wonderful things. where everything is perfect. where I have nothing to worry about. and even though the dream may be short, it is still quite wonderful.
but then. it stops. I hear other sounds in which I did not hear in the dream. and then, I realize. . .


I'm back in reality. . .

favorite song.

this has become my favorite song to listen to.

I don't know how many times I have listened to it.

but I'm not sick of it yet, and won't be for a good while.

friends.

friends are always the ones that encourage me. the ones that always listen to all the random things that I talk about. the ones that tell me that I shouldn't put myself down so much. the ones that always tell me fun, interesting things that make me laugh. the ones that tell me about new artists that I might like listening to. their the ones that if they weren't there, I would be very sad. their the ones that take up a chunk of my life, but I'm glad that they do just because I love them so much. . .


I like friends lots and lots.

I really do.

. . .

The significance of writing has been blown out inside of me. No fire is burning any more. But yet I find a peace in writing, and try to keep that fire burning.
I feel as if it only takes time, and I would rather just think of the words inside and not have to write them out. I feel that no words can explain what I am thinking, that they cannot describe what is in my mind. But you can only understand if you see what I see, and hear what I hear.

I hold on in the hope that all the interest will come back.
So let that fire keep on burning, lest I give up forever.

over. . .now

easter is over now, and we have to wait another year until we decorate the house and get cheese braid made just for this special day. we will wait another year until we decide what colors we will all wear. one more year until we set flowers in the middle of the tables for the center pieces. another year. . .it seems like forever from where we are.

but now we are painting some of the rooms in the house different colors and we will have to get used to the change. and soon we will put our normal decorations out and put the easter ones away.
and even though easter has come and passed, snow is still on the ground. and we are constantly told not to hope for spring to much. but im afraid our hopes are still pretty high even though snow is still covering the ground. at least we have a little.

now i have to go back to my every day life. where i have many things to do.

routine.

i can't just hang around doing whatever i think best. i can't try to sleep in, and then get up very lazily. i can't just play and sing some songs that i have written. i can't just laugh and think that at some point i will get back into routine. instead. . .i have to get into routine.
i try my hardest to get myself to think that getting back into routine is very important. that concentrating on school and exhausting my brain is better then just sitting around thinking of the wonderful things in life. that practicing a ballade is better than going through some songs i have written. sometimes i truly hate routine.

but i guess i must go start, my routine. . .

home and long island.

though snow is covering the grounds where my beloved home is. bare tree's paint the sky and leaves the ground.

it is light where my hometown is but the clouds cover the sun so it is hiding. here the sun is to be seen and fills the sky with happiness.

the breeze at home is cold and brisk, but here it can be cool and inviting.

only some homes where i live look magnificently wonderful with its historic looks. here almost all homes have that "look."

at home there are no boats in the harbor, but here many are sitting there waiting for their next adventure.

both places are so very different, but i do love both so very much.

EDIT:



my cousin and i. . .just closin' our eyes for a few minutes.

a trip.

i will travel to Binghamton, NY with my friend and her father.

then i will enjoy a concert with my friend.

i will be picked up by some of my family in the morning on the next day, and travel to Long Island.

when i get there, i will play in a concert, and hopefully after that. . .relax:)

chill in the morning and early afternoon the next day, then perform again.

i will say goodbye to some of the group that will be going home.

then i will enjoy being with relatives the following day.

and then i get to travel some more. only to my home, which i love the most.

thankful.

i was just looking through posts that i have written, and came across something i wrote when aubrey was born:

baby aubrey

another niece. a cute little girl.
little, tiny, and adorable.
although i have not seen her eye to eye,
i can see her and say "my, my, my."
aubrey you have a special spot in me.
and forever it shall always be.


when i read this tears came to my eyes. it reminded me of how thankful i am that she is here with us. i am so thankful for the many smiles that she gives all of us, and the jibber-jabber that she says.
she is so precious to me and to all of us. and thinking about it just makes me smile.


i do, love her so very much. . .

picture or painting.

 

love and hate.

some say that they love the cold wind blowing their hair away from their face. some say they hate that it might ruin their hair. and some people say both, not knowing that they love and hate it.

i am one of them. i sometimes say that i hate the cold, brisk wind that makes me so cold i think that i might die, and only wish that the summer was here instead. i also enjoy it blowing my hair everywhere. i love taking walks in it and seeing the faces on the people passing by in their vehicles. they think im crazy. and i may be. but sometimes its a wonderful feeling. i do love being crazy sometimes.

but really. its quite funny how people change their minds so quickly. they say that they like it, and then a minute later say that they hate it. why are people like that?

love and hate. two things that all people have and they sometimes don't even know it.

A Late Walk.

When I got up through the mowing field,
The headless aftermath,
Smooth-laid like thatch with the heavy dew,
Half closes the garden path.

And when I come to the garden ground,
The whir of sober birds
Up from the tangle of withered weeds
Is sadder than any words.

A tree beside the wall stands bare,
But a leaf that lingered brown,
Disturbed, I doubt not, by my thought,
Comes softly rattling down.

I end not far from my going forth,
By pickign the faded blue
Of the las remaining aster flower
To carry again to you.


-Robert Frost

blogs and posting.

to be able to write something without any thinking at all would be wonderful, would it not? to not worry about wether or not it makes sense and that whoever reads it can fully comprehend what it means. to not care what it is about and what you should like it to be about. because we all know that we care what we write about. we wonder what the subject should be, and if it should be more than one subject. we all do that. sitting with the computer in front of us thinking of the many things in this world to talk about, and the many views about it. we, are quite funny. don't you agree?

why do we get a blog and post on it? is it just to get your thoughts out? to let others around and not around you know what you have been up to? or is it just to get comments that you can enjoy? why? everyone has their reasons as to why they post, but it really is a strange thing. why don't we just go around visiting people and telling them what you've been up to? i guess its that era where everyone is lazy and only enjoys typing instead of running around being a fun neighbor. :)

that would be interesting though. because at that point no one would be in their houses, but all out and about talking all day to people.

quite strange.

random things.

::its around 9:20 in the morning and the house is very quiet. there is no loud laughing or even much talking in this home. it is quite strange not having a loud noise while your awake. i being used to it so very much think it almost annoying. i want to have a loud noise while im awake. i want people laughing and talking while im here. is it odd of me to want this?


::time is so weird. it comes and goes ever so quickly. sometimes it feels as if you have a thousand years to do only a few things, and other times it goes by so fast you haven't a chance to do half those things you wanted to do. isn't it weird like that?
you only have one chance to do that day because of how time works. only 24 hours in a day that passes by and will never come back again. and sometimes we wish we could do the day over again to get something right, but, we can't. we have only one chance.


::my randomness is gone. i cannot think of anything else to say.

humans.

isn't it funny how we humans get tired of things so very quickly? when spring is here, were ready for summer. when the heat from the sun gets to be to much for us, we can't wait for the cool winds to blow and the leaves to fall to the ground. or when the rainy windy days are to unpleasant, we think it would be fun to have fluffy white snow on the ground that children can play in. why is that?

why is it that even though we get tired of seasons, we never grow tired of holidays? all the traditions we do never grow old to us and we never want anything to be different. why is that we are like this?


why is it that were so confusing?

i just don't get it.

not normal.

i thought it would be a normal day with school and such. with of course the fact that some of the family would be leaving for Rochester for a couple of reasons.

isn't it annoying when things don't go to the plan you had in your mind?

i didn't picture myself in a bed watching a movie this afternoon. or being absolutely lazy and just feeling really achy. a little dizzy all the time, and just want to close your eyes the whole time.
i never enjoy feeling like this. and im sure that no one else does. who would?

maybe tomorrow will be somewhat normal.


my, wouldn't that be nice.

language.

whenever i watch pride and prejudice i enjoy the language ever so much. i love how they are in arguments and still say wonderful, grand, long words, and somehow their meaning is very rude, and the other person takes offense to that.
now days, if you say some word that means hideous or something of the sort. it means nothing to them. they might laugh in your face, and think that you are quite strange. why does it have to be like that? i want to be able to say long, grand words that break a heart even though the word sounds quite delicate. and the person (or people) that i am speaking to would be able to understand me.
i long to be in a argument like the one Elizabeth and Lady Catherine de Bourgh have. to be able to think of such words that mean so much in that little amount of time. wouldn't it be wonderful? to be able to use that proper language all the time, and everything making sense. oh, how i wish.

i am afraid that i wish to much, and that it can get quite overboard.

valentines day.

its already here. the cookies with pink frosting, the decorated cards that tell you how much people love you, and the happiness that comes along with it.

who would hate valentines day?

not i. when i think of valentines day, i think of the family sitting around the table chatting away. there are pink or red napkins, and cups filled with candy. there are cards at every setting, with a different design on each one. the pink and red hearts are almost overwhelming. but a good overwhelming indeed. when you walk into the room your heart is filled with happiness. a smile comes on to your face and you could just sit there looking at everyone and everything thats in the room.

isn't valentines lovely?


i think so.

what i did last night.

i tried my hardest to focus on the game. i really did.

i was only able to accomplish five pieces of pizza. i didn't feel like getting sick.

i took part in imaginiff, and wasn't to far from the winner.

i laughed very hard at the boys and girls that tried to balance on the exercise balls.

i got way to excited when the NY Giants got the last touchdown.

i had a really fun time, but was very tired by the end of it. . .



and yet, i still have to get up to the alarm clock. . .

its official.

keane is one of my favorite things to listen to.



i like them that much.

. . .

how long must this linger on? this thing that i live on? i feel continually sick and brokenhearted by the lives people can lead. only wishing that i could fix everything so that every single thing would be wonderful. but i, knowing this cannot be only wish to be free from this world. this world of sin led lives. how i wish to let it go on without me, and let it pass over me like a cloud in the sky. going on to whatever may come of it. and let me close my eyes and take the longest rest i will ever be in. waiting for Jesus to come and take me to heaven, where everything will be perfect, just as i have dreamed.


-anonymous

tagged.

well, i have been tagged. by her to be exact. so here goes. . .

1) surprisingly enough, though i am only twelve i am going to BASIC. the only reason being that i am playing in julia's band one of the nights. i find this a rather scary thought, and think that it will be very awkward or something like that.

2) if i wanted i could go on a fruit diet for the rest of my life. i know, its strange. but its just stating a true fact about me.

3) normally, whenever i explained my hair i said it was really wavy. im realizing its actually pretty much all curls with a bit of straight hair instead of "wavy."

4) i've realized that seven is a really awkard number and i don't like having to set tables for seven because of how awkward it is.

5) i absolutely hate hearing or watching myself. if i do i either plug my ears and sing the "lala song," or i just walk out of the room.

6) i hate my hand writing. and even though i dislike it, i have no wishes as to fix it. . .i must be weird. . .

7) whenever i have my own house im not going to paint the walls the normal colors that everyone does. i mean, their nice colors but its just not me to do exactly what everyone else does.

------------------------

Here are the rules for the game:
-Link to the person that tagged you
-Post the rules on your blog.
-Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
-Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
-Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blogs.

i'm not tagging anyone because i think everyone pretty much has been tagged.

shopping.

my day actually started out good. usually it starts out with me being totally lazy, disagreeable, or in some cases quite histarical, only because of how giggly i can be because of how tired i am. it just somehow works that way.
it used to be me, the only one that actually got up to the alarm clock and started off the day with a new excitement (im not sure what about, but you know!).
i would sit in the kitchen while the only other person awake was louissa because she had work to go to. the other two girls just happened to forget that their youngest sister woke them up so they could start their day on time, and just fell back alseep. . .

but, that is a completely different subject. and i wish not to carry on with it.

. . .it started out good, and this is strange for me. the day started out quite normally, i asure you. school had begun after breakfast and everyone seemed quite normal. i just happened to go shopping with my mother right after lunch. it wasnt so bad but, i tell you, the only thing that bothered me so, was the fact that i saw quite a few girls/30 year old moms wearing chunky, ugly heels. it was awful to look at. and that was definitely my least favorite party about the day. it bothered me quite a bit.
i know that my mother got quite a bit of things today, but all i know is that pushing the cart and keeping hold of the cell phone was my job. im not sure if i did much else. i feel like i did nothing else. but im not sure if i did something else or not. strange. . .
when we were finally coming home i was quite thankful. i was tired and completely ready for bed, and was more than satisfied with the amount of shopping we had done.
i can say completely honestly, that i do not like shopping.


i am home now, and my mother is putting things away where they belong. i have figured out what i shall pack for our trip this weekend but have not packed it yet. so, my evening here has not ended yet. i wish it would, but it will not end very happily if i do not finish the things which are needed to be done.


ahhhhh, the wonderful things of life.

we must be popular!

you probobly know that there are these items with names that we all like.



looking at different things on their site, i just happened to find these.



this just makes me love j.crew even more.

tired.

although i had much fun last night watching Pride and Prejudice with a bunch of girls. today i am very tired and have no wish of being productive of any kind. the rain coming down outside does not help with that, and neither does the fact that there are grey clouds outside. even though i am tired, i still have to continue with my school and chores (to my dissatisfaction). it would be quite nice if we could just not do school because we are tired. and if that was aloud i would hardly do any school because i am tired all the time. i would enjoy that though.

i sit here typing while my sister is asleep on the couch and i listen to classical music which i quite enjoy. then i just think of how nice it would be if i could lay down all day with my eyes closed listening classical music. how i would like that, each piece having its own feeling. . .*sigh*. . .


doesn't it sound wonderful?

crazy.

:: the new year begins, even if were not ready. with christmas decorations back in their boxes, and the regular decorations in their places. we clean and do whatever needs to be done. although christmas is my favorite time, seeing what we have for decorations on a regular daily basis seams quite nice.

:: i went through my new calender writing in different things here and there. i look at the number next to my siblings and nieces names, amazed at how old they will be and how crazy it is.


how is it 2008. . .already?


btw : i've done more than that, don't worry :)

the party.

we were busy getting food ready, cleaning, and decorating. putting outfits together and some were even decorating their masks. twinkle lights were put up and other lights turned off so it had this wonderful effect. punch was made, and so was pudding, both chocolate and vanilla. soon, people started coming, group by group. first, talking about masks and outfits had to be done. then slowly there was dancing on the dance floor. the house was filled with people, all having a blast. fast dances, slow dances, both we all enjoyed. the evening started to slip away and soon, they started to leave, group by group. with only some people left the last song was played. then, it was over. well, sort of. some started to clean up, some watched a movie, and others just talked.

but over all. . .it was a blast. this party is something i look forward to every year. it's really, that much fun.